Soooooo… twenty four hours to see if my mom, well, basically, lives.

I finally got the “long” of the long and short from my dad; he’s basically been giving me little bits in brief updates.

Tuesday night mom started taking an antibiotic for a UTI and almost immediately started throwing up. She didn’t sleep all but two hours that night, and then Wednesday she was sick all day and got about two hours of sleep again.

This morning my dad calls before I’m awake and there’s a voicemail; mom was taken via ambulance to the hospital. He didn’t tell me more than she was still throwing up, but when my uncle called about an hour later he told me that she had a bump on her stomach that was getting larger.

On my drive to work I was able to talk to both mom and dad in the hospital. She sounded drugged up (yay morphine) and he didn’t sound too worried. I did make it a point to tell her, first, that I loved her. She always says it first, and I usually say “you too.” I will be the first to admit that I am emotionally distant from my family.

Today goes on and I don’t hear much until noon-ish. She’s too fat for the x-ray to work so they’re going to try to transport her to UMC hospital to get a cat-scan and then remove what they think is a bowel obstruction. About two hours later I talk to my dad and uncle again and they’re just waiting to move her to UMC.

I don’t remember when this evening but I get another call – no transportation happened but they decided they needed to do the exploratory surgery anyway: she’s had massive blood loss and is going into surgery in “critical condition,” but dad says it like, “I went to the grocery store and bought bananas.” No big worry. Gosh I wonder where I get the emotional distance.

About an hour ago dad calls – her stomach had ruptured cutting off blood flow to her large and small intestine. With the surgery they had to remove a portion of her intestines and, while she’s out of surgery, she’s not out of the woods. The next 24 hours will tell if she lives, or well, dies.

My mom – dying – 24 hours and 1,400 miles away.

Nooooooot really sure about this at the moment.

Cheapest flights I can find are around $400, $250-ish if I did the gas mileage right, but that is a 24/28 hour drive. Again, I seriously do not know what to think.

My Mommy Tonya (my great grandmother's sister) is in a coma after her fall/broken hip a few weeks ago. Nana and Tata are her POA and are going to try to get to Fresno, CA as soon as they can (it'll probably be dad and nana given tata's health)... with Thanksgiving this week that may be harder than expected, not to mention the mess mom would be in if both dad and I aren't home for that holiday.

 

Living with my boyfriend is hard because I don't get the "so happy to see you/pushing the grumpy feelings down for a few hours" that the other girl friends gets. Spending the weekend with Wendy and her husband just makes me more sad I don't have a more happy lovie-dovie relationship.

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Tonight Michael had one of his other girlfriends spend the night, so I had to find someplace else to be. Why didn't he stay at her place so I wouldn't have to be displaced? Her boyfriend would have had of found someplace else to go, so it was easier for me to go somewhere else.

 

I had a really great night tonight. Wendy took me in and I made mexican food for dinner. She is from Oregon so she has never seen tacos made the way we do down in Tucson - her family was very blown away by my taco skillz. Yes, with a z.

 

Her hubby is a fun one and we had many half mexican sorties to share.

 

I'm getting anxious about returning to Arizona for December. I miss my friends, but I also wonder how many have forgotten about me. I'm bad at texting people and am just worried I'm gonna spend my entire vacation stuck at my folks house. blah.

 

I'm also worried I'm gonna give up and try to stay in Arizona. Its not like I have a hell of a lot going for me here, it'd just suck on wasting all the money it took me to get here.

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One of my friends is hosting a Thanksgiving meal next week, they are making the turkey, guests bring a side. Only problem is that they've never said when diner is going to be. If I'm going to make something I need to know when the meal is going to happen, not to mention I've been formally invited to two other places too, so I need to budget my time.

 

I asked today what time on Thursday and she says there is no time. I do the "lol makes it hard to plan with no time," and I get back "Then make other plans Sara. It's an open house, come when you'd like. If its an inconvenience, then don't come."

 

So normally I'd say fuck her and her attitude, I don't need that when I'm 1400 miles away from my family on Thanksgiving... but she's one of the other girls Michael is seeing and I try not to rock the boat or borrow trouble.

 

I am not going to tell Michael her snappy reply hurt my feelings, he'll just white-knight in (and baby girls always win) so I'll be the one who is in the wrong.  I'm going to Wendy's at 1 and Katt's at 3... I've just got to find wine that goes well with turkey.

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Very happy that after 6 months of being together Michael finally said "I love you."

Sad that he said it while he was drunk.

Very sad that he doesn't remember that part of last night.

It's only one rain-checked date. We have so much in common and truly want to hang out - Matthew's work just came first. I wish I wouldn't have waited for his work to pan out (he kept saying he was on his way) or else I would have gone to the game by myself.

I'm trying not to be super disappointed but for someone who hasn't dated in years (and I mean DATE not hey let's hook up and bump uglies) having someone bail on me level me with major rejection issues and insecurities. I guess also being told that I'm not girlfriend material and other options are out there, something better will come along, also leaves me feeling a little less valued.

IDK, maybe I'm just a little too crazy and damaged to deserve anyone.

But I'm still an awesome chick who doesn't regret moving and wanting to be happy.

I have a date tomorrow! This guy named Matt and I are going to the season 6 opener of the rose city rollers. So excited! After that there is a possibility of mac and cheese under a bridge.

I must sleep now even though I seem a bit too excited.

Things feel oh so familiar right now. I'm staying up until all hours of the morning, the sleeping until the sun goes down, not staying awake for more than ten to twelve hours a day, and not really caring if I accomplish anything during my day.

I am not going to let myself get bogged down in to this again, but it just makes me wonder why when I've been so happy that I have moved. I really don't think it's the "Tragedy in Tucson" that has gotten me down, but being down got me into high gear over the weekend.

1. I am very tired of phone jobs. I feel like the acting has gotten to the point where it's detrimental to my emotions. Once again I feel like I hate going to work. Not dislike or begrudge, but actually flat out hate my job. Yes, I have been searching the internet for other jobs but when you don't know what you like, how do you know you'll like a job and not hate it.

2. I started doing "yoga mama" after my folks left because I was afraid I was going to turn into my mom and not be able to wipe my ass going to the bathroom. While yoga has been a daily thing, I can still only do about ten minutes of the forty minute workout. My size is a constant on my mind even though I'm trying not to let it define who I am. There is so much negativity about being a fat female that I cringe when people look at me in public.

These two things make me feel like I didn't accomplish anything in the last few months. Even though I live alone and don't really have any close friends here in Portland, I'm not nearly as lonely as I was living in Tucson. Here I'm alone and I don't have to worry about it, back in Tucson there were dozens of people to be with but I always felt like I was imposing myself on my friends, always worried about other people more than myself. But this week, this week I feel like I've had such a set back on my positive outlook.

I've been trying to keep in touch with the people who mean something to me back in Tucson but I've been failing at that. I haven't texted hardly anyone, let alone called anyone. I guess the constant talking for 8 hours a day has led me away from other types of communications.

Really, I don't know what's wrong. I feel down and uninspired. Maybe it's because normally, this time of year, I'm getting all nerdy and excited for the renn faire. Maybe its just because I'm over 30 and I don't have anything to show for my life. Mid-life crisis? I mean, I don't plan on living to see retirement at 65 so this would be my mid-life crisis.

PLEASE please please never let me be so fat that I cannot wipe the shit from my own ass without someone's help.

This week back in Tucson has been... well, it's been a week.

I am pretty much emotionally drained to the point of feeling like I'm gonna crack at any point. I don't know what's gonna happen once people start passing and I'm 1,400 miles away.

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

I need to go to bed. My alarm is set for 5 o'clock and it's 1:30. At least I'll get more sleep than last time I flew.

Oh - and regardless of any lessons I've learned, I still make stupid choices.