Anniversary
Baby
aerogoddes
I thought I'd be okay until mom's... what... death anniversary (?) next week but

-ugh- She died the day before Easter and Easter day is a constantly changing date.

I feel like I'm fine for a while then all the little fractures I've been patching up all give way at the same time and the wall just crumbles down.

I wish I lived alone - I just want to be alone and not answer the "what's wrong," "what are you thinking about," questions that I hate. I don't want to talk to anyone on the phone tomorrow, but I know my uncle, dad, and nana and tata are gonna call.

I can't remember that last time I was happy without sadness in the shadows.

(no subject)
Baby
aerogoddes
I just found a birthday card I bought for mom that I never ended up mailing to her, one from me and one from Panchita.

March sucks.

(no subject)
faceyourmanga.com
aerogoddes
I know that dreams don't mean anything. While you sleep your brain is firing and producing images that, well, really don't mean anything.

Last night I dreamt about mom. We were taking on the phone and my usual "shouldn't you be dead" question comes up.

I know she's gone - like every moment of the day I know she's gone - I just wish I could forget sometime.

Even my sleeping mind won't let me forget it.

Two weeks
Hug
aerogoddes
My mom's birthday is in two weeks. A month ago I was okay with it, now when I think about it my eyes immediately start to water and my throat clenches.

I know dad is depressed, but he has so much to fill his life with. I don't know if I want to send him a supportive card (there are a TON of cards at Hallmark for grief and grieving beyond sympathy cards out there) or just kinda ignore it.

(no subject)
Baby
aerogoddes


I believe that, if I want to, I should be allowed to stay in bed all day.


(no subject)
Baby
aerogoddes

Mom and I once saw two little old ladies having lunch across the restaurant from us. They looked like two girlfriends from the retirement home but we found out they were mother and daughter. We joked that in 30 years that's be us (because mom would obviously outlive dad)...

 

This afternoon Michael and I went to lunch and across from us were two little old ladies, very clearly mother and daughter.

 

I felt so sad and angry. I feel like I've been robbed of so much happy times with my mom and I know that I should be getting over it.


two years
Baby
aerogoddes


Happy anniversary to me - two years today living in the PNW. If i would have know mom was only going to be alive for a year and a half i never would have moved.


Wow facebook
Baby
aerogoddes
I never look at my facebook messages, sometimes I forget that they're there. This evening I was online, got a message from Big Mike, and then I looked over and saw that I had a message under "other" and I didn't know what it was.

There was a message from my former property management company - while I was unemployed mom was helping me pay a small balance they charged me when I left (I attempted to dispute it because they never cleaned my carpet when I renewed my lease but whatever). Once I found the bill I paid it in full, but because we weren't on top of the mail there is like less than ten bucks on interest due. Instead of sending another invoice they tried to automatically debit mom's account (which we closed) so I've got this random nasty-gram via Facebook from the property management... again, they have MY number, new address, dad's address, and my email so why Facebook.

Anyway, nasty-gram wasn't "Dear Sara, we would like to collect this interest balance, please contact us," but instead it was, "We've been trying to collect money from your mother's account, she won't answer her phone or return our calls. Please contact her" blah blah blah and I sent back simply, "That's because she's dead, thank you very much."

I typed it out and sent it off without even taking a minute to pause or think about what I sent. It made me angry (and I didn't like that woman much to start with) and, even though it was a quick response, I'm still feeling upset and angry about it. I even went on to do other stuff (pack my bag for tomorrow, have something to eat) and I had to stop and think, "why the hell do I feel so anxious/on edge, wtf?" and then I remembered the quick exchange.


(no subject)
Baby
aerogoddes


I lay down and I try not to remember past conversations or experiences - I try not to think of what should have been but never will. Any time I go X number of days without crying I just end up crying that much harder when it starts again. I just never really realized how big of a part of me my mom was, and how empty and alone I feel without her.


(no subject)
Baby
aerogoddes


Just updating quickly from my phone since I don't want to deal with my laptop at the moment.

 

I'm going to meet the boyfriend's mother next week. I'm sure I'll be fine but he's dealing with this, "I feel like she's given up on life without dad and doesn't care if she is eating, drinking too much, our just had given up living," situation with her. He's been in Spokane with her all week and I'm taking the train Monday to meet up with him. I'm sure I'll be fine, but it seems like when ever anyone says "mom" I flinch.

 

God I don't know what I'm gonna do come the holidays.

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